Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert "elevated" or "imminent"? Why not "chill"? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?

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I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.

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Rednecks are like America's pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop 'em off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild. Just be like, 'Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo -- it'll scare the hell out of them.'

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How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, 'How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.'

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Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, 'Oh, they're nice,' but if a stranger's ugly, you're like, 'What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.'

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I was at a party the other night, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, and I thought, 'That is cool.' Like 10 minutes later, I saw a guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, 'That is not cool.' That's when I realized cool is all about leather sleeves.

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Jeff Dunham: Dear Dad, today is your day to sit back, relax and let mom and me do everything. Achmed: Just like every other day of the year!

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Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.

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Dad hates that I'm a stand-up comic, but it's his fault. He did the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life: did the splits getting out of the shower. Let that sink in. Fat man, wet floor -- people, I can't write a joke better than that.

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My dad is retired now, and he moved to Florida. And it's really great to be able to finally go down and visit him now that he's finally able to do those things in life that he's always wanted to do, which apparently is start drinking at noon and then head on out to buy me ugly shirts.

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When I was eight years old, I had to do a science project, but my dad just did it for me. I didn't contribute at all. I think the teacher kind of figured it out when the project was called, 'Is My Wife Cheating on Me?'

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Know what I would like to do? I'd travel back to when my mom and dad had sex to have me. And I'd just run into the bedroom, right when they're doing it, and just spank my dad on the ass: 'I'm your son from the future!'

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I was out last Sunday -- I didn't see any signs, nobody to ask, so I lit a cigarette. This woman lost all control of her bodily functions. 'Put it out, please, put it out.' I turned around -- she was three pews away!

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I joined a softball team, which I thought was a great idea... but the guys on my team are crazy. These guys show up to games -- slow pitch softball games -- with cleats, stirrups, the Barry Bonds arm guards on, the black crap under their eyes. I'm like, 'Fellas, the ball is this big. If you can't see it, you probably shouldn't have driven to the game today.'

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I went on a hard core drinking and smoking binge, and it lasted right about nine months. And then, as soon as I was born, I was like, 'Whew! Do not go in there.'

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My sister's a personal trainer. That's a tough job. I don't think I can do that. You gotta help people with their fitness goals. 'Can you help me define my abs?' 'Yeah -- disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.'

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We just had an old brick church. It's like a barbeque pit, just hot -- HOT. Everybody in there's fanning. Old ladies got them old funeral parlor fans, they just fanning. I'm sweating. And the preacher, 'If you don't straighten out, you're going to hell!' I'm like, 'Well, what is this? Practice?'

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I could never be a serial killer because I'm way too lazy to follow a pattern. 'I used to murder women that look like Grandmother but now -- mostly delivery men.'

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A friend of mine had a Super Mario Brothers-themed wedding two years ago. Then, a year after that, he had a regular-themed divorce.

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It's been a couple of years since I actually worked in an office, so I thought I should do something to prepare to get back into the typing, filing and phone answering, and what not. So what I did was I had a friend of mine go with me down to the local swimming pool, and I had him tie me up in a burlap sack and sink me to the bottom of the pool. And then just as I was about to suffocate, he yanked me up and gave me a lunch break.

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Derrick, I'm going to get tan this summer; I'm going to get dark.' 'Oh, not so dark you can't get a job, but dark enough?'

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You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

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I'm not making this up -- he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you jump to when you're writing that analogy.

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I've got a wife and a couple kids. I walk to the beach now, I've got diaper bags filled with crap. I'm pulling wagons behind me. No women are looking at me anymore. I figure if I wear the Speedo, they'll be horrified, but at least they'll give me a glance.

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They say behind every strong man is a strong woman. Well, behind every f**k-up is a best friend saying, 'Go for it, bro!'

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They say behind every strong man is a strong woman. Well, behind every f**k-up is a best friend saying, 'Go for it, bro!'

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Restless leg syndrome. C'mon, what kind of horseshit is that? It's a syndrome? Restless leg syndrome? I have no idea what constitutes a syndrome, but it's a hell of a lot more serious than some freakin' wiggly legs.

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I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin' what would have happened. Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, 'I had a dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about. It was either about freedom or Fritos.'

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Quitting pot? It was actually easier for me to become a vegetarian -- you know, quitting meat -- because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of meat.

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If I ever have a car alarm, if I ever have a car, it's just gonna be a big speaker on the back of my car, and whenever anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go, 'Attention: free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!' Because then, people are gonna come running -- maybe not the kind of people who can help a whole lot, but people, nonetheless.

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You can stump any stoner with one question: what were we just talking about?

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You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

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Have you ever broke 'Scooby Doo' down? I mean, come on -- he rode around in a van with the flowers on the side, on a Saturday morning, looking for a haunted house. Tell me they wasn't high.

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I see that no one, yet, is filming this on their cell phones. I appreciate that because that has become the new scourge of stand-up: people sitting there saying, 'I want to enjoy this, but now is not good for me. Later would be better -- later and smaller.'

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My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person -- so I can get a better girlfriend.

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Sex couldn't be simpler. I think there's only like five things you can do in the whole fucking thing. You ever think you invented a sixth? Then later you go, 'Ah, in all humility, I guess that was pretty close to number five.'

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I want to turn my life over to God but it is hard as hell. Every time something happens to us, that's what we do: 'Oh God, please don't do it to me, I'll tell ya, this is it, I'm leaving these niggas alone, all these bitches, I'll tell ya, this is it, I'm tired of this shit, I shoulda came to you.' As soon as you feel good, you back out: 'Fuck these bitches!' God be like, 'He's a lying motherfucker right there. That's a lying ass nigga. Don't you call me no more.'

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Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

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I dated one guy from every race. You know, except the Asian guys, 'cause nobody wants that. C'mon, I'm trying to have an orgasm, not get my computer fixed.

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Don't you think that Jim Morrison was probably the worst person you could ever meet at a party, ever? Just some plunging-necklined, leather-panted jackass, like, 'Let me tell you about my experiences on mescaline in the desert.' Scurry back to Burning Man with your statutory rape tales, no one cares.

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Male comics are always coming up to me, and they're like, 'Hey, Natasha, don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' And I'm like, 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'

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I'm thinking of getting off Facebook, getting off Twitter. You know why? I just want to sign up for a service that, every hour, texts me the message 'You're not alone.' I think that would do the trick.

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I have a younger boyfriend now -- I like the little ones. Yes, I do like those little ones, yes I do. I am officially a cougar. He's young and white, so I'm not just a cougar, I'm a black panther.

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My mom is very religious, and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case, I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.

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This is my anxiety song: If I keep the kitchen floor clean, no one will die/as long as I clench my fists at odd intervals, then the darkness within me won't force me to do anything inappropriately violent or sexual at dinner parties/as long as I keep humming the tune, I won't 'turn gay.'

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We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.

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If everyone grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip clubs?

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From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: You look like Susan Boyle f**ked Snooki and then got hit by a truck.

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I bought a plunger the other day. You ever bought a plunger? It's an embarrassing purchase. At first, you think it's no big deal. Stand in the line, swinging it. And then you realize everybody knows; you got a situation at home. Nobody buys a plunger on a whim.

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I asked her to record the game on ESPN, which she did, but not ESPN-HD. And then she says, 'Well, at least you still get to watch it.' Oh yeah, I pay extra money so I can watch TV like poor people. I don't even feel bad for cheating on you this weekend.

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Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like, 'F**k that.'

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She says to me during the act of lovemaking, 'Hey Daniel, what's it like having sex with a condom on?' And I'm like, 'How should I know?'

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My favorite place to taser people: the Renaissance Fair. The Renaissance Fair 'cause it makes me feel like an evil wizard from the future.

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What I love about Cosmo is it is this magazine that is pretending to be your best friend. But Cosmo hates you so much; Cosmo just wants to undermine you, and make you insecure. Like, two real stories from the cover of Cosmo recently, one of them was how to drive a man wild in under 60 seconds. I'm just like, when would I ever need to do that? When would I ever be in that kind of a rush? Am I at a tollbooth?

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Guys have said to me, 'You know, Jessi, part of what makes you so pretty is you have no idea how pretty you are.' And then they're just like, 'Enjoy.' And I'm like, 'That is not nice.' That is like, at best, that's like a backhanded compliment. And at worst, that's just like a forehanded insult because I know that what that sentence really means is, 'Part of what makes you so pretty is that your self-esteem is so low, it's easier for me to f**k you.'

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Having a gun, let's face it guys, is a lot like having a penis, I think. You got to keep it concealed. And if you wave it in a woman's face, chances are she'll call the cops.

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I was in Australia last year. That's a long flight. That flight was so long, I got the girl next to me pregnant. We raised the child on the plane. Time for us to land in Sydney, get him a rugby scholarship.

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I have brown hair and I wear these glasses, and I usually have my hair up in a bun, so the other thing guys have often said to me is, 'You're like a sexy librarian. You're like a sexy librarian type. You're a sexy librarian.' And I'm like, 'I've always thought of myself as more of a bookish whore. Sort of, you know, less of a nerd, more of a slut.'

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I have a five-gallon jar at my house I like to fill with change. I don't stop 'til I reach tip-top and that little bell goes off, and I know Cargo Pant Day is here at last, and I dance. And I put the cargo pants on with a belt -- extra tight because I don't want to have an embarrassing situation on such a great day -- and I fill up all the pockets with the change. Then I get a car alarm -- not a car alarm with a car, just a car alarm -- and I hold it to my chest really closely. And then I go walk around the streets of Manhattan, and I wait for the first homeless person to come up to me and say, 'Hey, you got any spare change?' Then, I set the car alarm off: 'You hit the jackpot, mofo!'

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Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off -- don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

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If you're British, you don't know a dude named Nigel -- you're not British or you're Nigel, that's how that goes.

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I was on a plane recently; I was reading the in-flight magazine. The in-flight magazine for that particular trip was an environmental issue. I was reading about the environment while sitting on a pollution machine that can fly.

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I always think, what would I do if someone tried to get me? My first thought is just something dumb, like I'd try to pick my nose and just be gross. In my mind a rapist is just some white hat frat boy who'd just be like, 'Ugh nasty, forget it. Learn some manners.'

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When you do comedy to troops you stay on an army base, but in Bahrain you could actually leave the base and go to the downtown Bahrain. When you go out there they're like, 'Look, it's safe just don't draw attention to yourself. Don't wear American t-shirts and stuff.' And you're like, 'All right that's fine, no American t-shirts. So what are you going to do about the white on my skin?'

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A lot of people don't like Wal-Mart, they say it's big business; like it kills the Mom-and-Pop shops. But really Wal-Mart, they were a Mom-and-Pop shop at some point and then they got their act together and became unbelievable.

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It's this anti-immigration legislation that they're trying to push, where they would allow police officers to racially profile undocumented immigrants, especially people in the Mexican community. I think that's horrendous. But what amazes me is that people support this law. I was watching the news, this woman in Arizona, looking at a camera, straight faced, she says, 'Hey, we're just trying to bring the country back to the way it used to be.' The way it used to be? Lady, you're in Arizona. It used to be Mexico.

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I read somewhere that men's biggest fear is that women will laugh at them. And women's biggest fear is that men will kill them. Kind of different stakes that we're working with. But that's why I don't make jokes during sex -- 'cause I think of stuff that I think would be funny all the time. But I just don't say it 'cause I don't want to be killed.

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I took a dump in a toilet with no water. I had to tell my friends, 'Yeah, I dropped the kids off at the skate park.'

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I realized that I have an irrational fear of rats. I did not know there was going to be so much wildlife in this city. One night I was walking home really late, I walked past this huge pile of garbage. And inside one particular trash bag was a whole lot of movement going on -- inside the bag, like real aggressive, but unidentified rustling. I was so frightened, my only thought was, 'Oh my god, I hope that's a baby. Please be a toddler in that bag.' That's how much I hate rats; they make child endangerment comforting.

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I've almost bought my own clothes back from a thrift store. Have you done that one yet? You know, like, 'Oh, this shirt's great, it reminds me of something I used to -- oh, damn it.'

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I had a bad introduction to drinking, as it is. When I was 14 years old, my boys got me in a room and they gave me Bacardi 151. I didn't even know what the 151 stood for; I thought it was like Heinz 57 sauce or Formula 409 or some sh*t. Turns out you have 151% chance of taking a swing at your dad.

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This is America. It is my God given right to be loudly opinionated about something I am completely ignorant of.

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If my dad could see me up here now he'd be very impressed. But you know, I'm sure wherever my dad is now, he would be looking down on us. He's not dead just very condescending.

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I'm in my 30s, everybody's having kids, or miracles, 'Oh, it's a miracle.' It's always a miracle. I'm like, 'You had sex, right? Yeah? Then no, that's exactly what's supposed to happen from that.' I spend all my time preventing miracles; that is what's happening. I call it a miracle when the girl doesn't get pregnant. That's when I start getting spiritual.

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I saw a sign on this door; it said, 'Exit Only.' So, I entered it and went up to the guy working there, and I was like, 'I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man.'

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He actually said this to me; he's like, 'Hey man, you got to be careful. There's a lot of women that have an Asian fetish.' 'Well, what do you mean?' 'They'll have sex with you just 'cause you're Asian. Aren't you offended?' Uh, I'll be offended after my orgasm.

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Thirteen-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day... because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don't like about you. They don't even have to look at you for long. They'll just be like, 'Ha, ha, ha, ha, hey, look at that high waisted man. He got feminine hips.' And I'm like, 'No! That's the thing I'm sensitive about.'

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We're probably going to die in the f**king apocalypse, but you know what's kind of exciting about that is that if the apocalypse actually goes down -- and I mean the f**king biblical apocalypse -- and if that starts to happen -- I mean, like, the ground opening up and demons flying out and gnawing on your flesh -- it means a couple of things. One: It means that I'm wrong, and there is God and there is an afterlife. Two: It means that since there is an afterlife, you will be in the f**king VIP section of the afterlife.

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They have a section called, 'New Baby.' I don't think you need the word 'new.' They'd have to clear up confusion. 'Do you have an Old Baby section? 'Cause my friend's had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and he's 12.'

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People ask me all the time, 'Todd, when you're on the road at these comedy clubs, do you hit on the waitresses?' People, I'm a professional, and I have a policy. I will not hit on the wait staff until every opportunity in the audience has been exhausted.

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Every girl either has blonde hair with black streaks or black hair with blonde streaks. Which, either way, says: 'I don't have a gag reflex.'

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It's incredibly easy to get. People go to those dispensaries, and they have a laundry list of ailments to give to those doctors that will just sign off on anything. You can pretty much go in there and go, 'Um, I intermittently blink all day. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and I have to pee. And scary movies scare me.' You need pot, here, take it.

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They make that announcement, 'If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security.' So, I grab the guy, I go, 'Yeah, I just saw somebody pay $11 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, they're selling luggage inside the airport. I'm going to do another lap. I'll let you know if I see anything.'

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I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, 'Wow, that's awesome. You're going to make a great single mom.'

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Halloween not only stays fun, but gets funner -- if that's a word. Like, Halloween when you're a kid, you dress up in a costume: free candy. You grow up, dress up in a costume: drunk as balls. It's awesome

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I told Maggie I wanted to go to a strip club. She said this to me, she goes, 'What do you want to go to a strip club for? I'll strip for you.' I was like, 'How great is that? I guess I'll just tell my friends to come over here.'

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I don't believe anything I see on TV. There was that herbal shampoo commercial where the ladies were in the shower using the shampoo, and they're having orgasms. I went to Costco and bought the family pack of that. I was in the shower all weekend. The shampoo does not cause orgasms -- the bottle does.

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When I was a little boy, I wanted to be an astronaut. That was, like, my first dream in life. Whatever happened to childhood dreams like that, huh? How come this ain't a room full of ballerinas and firemen?

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It's supposed to be an honor to be a pallbearer. I've never been carrying a casket, thinking, 'This is an honor.' I'm thinking, 'This is heavy. Are you guys even lifting back there? It's like dead weight on my end.'

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I can't wait until they could put wings on humans. Because when they could put wings on humans, they could put wings on pigs, and when they could put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex.

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We had our first two years ago -- on New Year's Eve. That's a rockin' birthday. Kind of f**ks any New Year's plans I might have had for the rest of my life, but whatever, kids can be selfish.

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Can you imagine if you had a pair of shoes that you could only walk in? That could be kind of limiting under certain circumstances. 'Everybody get outta here! There's a swarm of bees coming!' What? Oh great, I got my walking shoes on today. I guess I better stroll the hell out of here at a moderate pace.

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I was walking back through this mall in January; there was a girl in front of Victoria's Secret who stopped me. She was like, 'Hey, how's it going?' I was like, 'Good, how are you?' She goes, 'Well, I'm curious, are you shopping for a wife or girlfriend today?' I was like, 'No, why?' She goes, 'Well, we're having this after-Christmas sale, and all our bras are 50% off.' And I go, 'I like when your bras are 100% off.'

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My mama was so cheap, she waited 'til after Christmas. 'Baby, Santa Claus missed our house. I called him, and he coming back tomorrow.' She was waiting for the stuff to go on sale.

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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

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I tried to go Christmas shopping last year, but I didn't have no money. I just went window-shopping with a brick.

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The carpool lane discriminates against the lonely. These peoples -- through no fault of their own -- don't have the social skills to make friends. OK, that's unfortunate, but what do we do as a society? We push them off to the right in this vehicular apartheid, while they sit isolated in their loser mobiles, forced to watch the popular people whiz by them.

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Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

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Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer. And you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable! How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!

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Is it just me or is reggae the most inappropriate music they could have picked to open up the show "COPS"?

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My mother always told me, 'Boy, if somebody asks you a stupid question, you give them a stupid answer.' The cops walked up to my car, 'Would you like to step out of the car?' I said, 'Hell no, it's hot! I got the air conditioner on. How about you hop your ass in here with me?'

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I got pulled over for drunk driving the other day. The cops had me walk that line. I said the one thing you shouldn't say. I was like, 'Stop wiggling it.' 'Cause that gives you away.

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I was in the park last night, chasing this white guy. He got away from me. I didn't know cops could walk that fast with all that stuff on.

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You ever see a shooting range in a cop movie? What color is the guy on that sheet of paper that they're shooting at? Why don't you just paint a FUBU jacket on while you're at it?

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One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That's how you know it didn't go as you planned.

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Cops on horses? What's going on? Is there a lot of illegal jousting going on in the city?

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My black friends in America don't believe me. I said, 'Dude, I'm Nigerian American.' 'Word? We thought you were, like, regular black.' What the hell is 'regular black'? Crayola coming out with colors I don't know about?

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I don't think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses. The whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was 'I should cut my bangs.'

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I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, 'What do you fear the most?' And she was like, 'I fear you'll meet someone else, and you'll leave me, and I'll be all alone.' And she was like, 'What do you fear the most?' And I was like, 'Bears.'

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Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? I'm not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn't say that. I don't give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff.

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My wife had this whole gay military policy with her age: if I didn't ask, she wouldn't tell. And when I did ask, she would get offended. I'd be like, 'Let me ask you something -- how old are you?' 'Excuse me? Listen, let me tell you something -- I'm a woman, and a real man would not ask a woman her age. It's not about how old I am. It's about how young I make you feel. Now go in there and brush your teeth and put on your pajamas, get ready for bed.'

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As I'm standing there, I see they have a little sign with pictures of things you are not allowed to bring on the plane anymore. And they have, like, little drawings: circle, line through it, 'No!' One of the things you can't bring on the plane anymore is a bomb -- no, no, they had a picture, can't do it. And it was the classic cartoon bomb, like the bowling ball with the little sparky whip coming out of it. And then you might think, 'Oh, I got a way around that.' Uh-uh, not so fast -- they also had a picture of the bundle of dynamite with the clock.

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I'm so arrogant, when I travel to other people's countries, I refer to them in their own country as 'foreigner.' I act like they visiting me.

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When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, you'd got out of the way.

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I've lived in New York for a long time, same apartment, and there are a lot of robberies in that building. And I felt so bad for my neighbor because her dog and VCR got stolen -- nothing else, just the dog and the VCR. I wonder what the burglar was thinking at the time? 'Hmmm, I'd really like to rent a movie, but I don't want to watch it by myself....'

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I am Jewish; my girlfriend's not. She did buy me eight presents for Hanukkah, though. I was like, 'Why did you buy me eight presents for Hanukkah?' She's like, 'Eight presents, for the eight nights of Hanukkah.' I was like, 'You idiot, there's 32 nights of Hanukkah -- and I like electronics. Now, go to the mall. Religious minimum: $50 a gift.'

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People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and that's a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation. Most Jewish families don't make it past the fourth day. It doesn't happen -- 'Come on, aren't we going to light the lights?' 'Eh, no. Enough's enough.'

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I generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then, I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall, just saying, 'No, no, this wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people.' But if there's a Santa at the mall, I'll walk right up to him and I'll go, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'

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Victoria's Secret debuts $2 million bra. Lady Gaga ordered one in Kobe beef.

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'Laptops may lead to impotence.' Yay. I'm buying my daughter's boyfriend an Apple MacBook first thing tomorrow morning.

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Let me get this straight. We invade a country with oil, but gas costs more? That don't make no f**king sense! Now I didn't go to no fancy school or nothing, but I'll tell you this right now -- if I invade Kentucky Fried Chicken, wings will be cheap at my house.

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Sometimes, I'm scared to come out of my house. I'm right down there on 42nd, and I got one of those revolving doors, and I see people walking so fast. I don't walk that fast. And I'll just be standing in the doorway, like a little girl, just watching people. Then I see a little opening come, so it's like Double Dutch; I get excited.

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For those of you over the age of 25, 'Pimp My Ride' is a show where they take people with bad cars like mine and they give them all this stuff that they don't need. Like, if I went on that show, I'd have very simple instructions. I'd be like, 'Hey, I don't need a hot tub or a water slide or a popcorn maker or an ice machine or a place to perform surgery in my Cutlass. Fix my reverse.'

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The BYOB strip club fills a very important niche in the strip club market. Because, I mean, we've all been at a traditional strip club, and the wine list is pedestrian. You know, half the whites from California, they're all screw tops and the sommelier couldn't tell a Sancerre from a sandwich. And I'm just sitting there the whole time thinking, 'I have in my cellar at home a 2002 Argentinean Malbec that would go perfectly with that 42-year-old's hysterectomy scars.'

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I'm half-Mexican -- get used to it 'cause in about five to 10 years, you're all gonna be related to one. Whether you like it or not, no matter how much you prepared your family, you're gonna show up at Thanksgiving one of these years, you're gonna walk in and say, 'Hey! What's happening? Since when did we start serving flan?' Well, what's happening is that somebody's boning a Latino.

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Her friends are a**holes. They always try to belittle me because they all have PhD's and I didn't finish college. Like, one night, we're all out getting dinner, and this one guy's like, 'So, Chad, have you ever had Indian food?' I was like, 'Hello? Thanksgiving.'

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What does a Japanese tourist think when he sees a big Barney floating down Sixth Avenue? It's gotta be unsettling for the poor guy.

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I remember one point, this older gentleman asked me for some prophylactics, and at that time, my sexual vocabulary wasn't that great, you know. So, I'm checking my word bank for the closest thing I have to 'prophylactics.' Closest thing I got -- 'pterodactyls.' I was all confused. I was like, 'Excuse me, sir, I hate to break it to you, but those things have been extinct for 65 million years.'

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Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel -- religious fanatic. Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss -- unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch -- one of 12 brides.

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I have to admit, I was a little freaked out about the first time I was going to be holding my twin brother's daughter. Because I knew there'd be a second where I'd look down and think to myself, 'Oh my god, this is what it would look like if I had sex with his wife.'

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When you get called the n-word, as a black person you can do anything. It's like getting a gold star in Super Mario Brothers and junk. I hear the music when I hear the n-word. I get right into it; I get really into it. You can do anything. You could be in a fancy restaurant -- just start throwing poop at the walls. People be like, 'What are you doing?' 'Someone called him the n-word.'

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Being pulled over is no joke. It's scary, but you know what's even worse? Being a passenger in your friend's car when they get pulled over. That's when you start finding out the things about your best friend you never knew existed. 'Damn! Damn! This car is not even registered. I got a handgun in the glove box, cocaine under your seat. I'm wearing a wig, and we've got a dead body in the trunk.'

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Women think that men know how to communicate because when we meet you and start dating you, we talk a lot. Do you want to know why? Because we're trying to sleep with you. That's why. But we use all that up right away. That's why, after a month, we're like, 'Hey, do you like me? Because I'm out of material. Have I said or done anything in the last month that you like? Let me know. I'll say it again.'

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I tried to go on the Internet. I figured, you gotta be safe there, can't run into any problems on the Internet. I went on one of them sex sites, you know; I wanna see what the big deal is. I went to bigboobs.com 'cause that's what I like. The chick was sitting there with the icon, you know, right by her stuff. It was like, 'You wanna see my wet kitty? Click here.' So, I wanna see the kitty. But I'm about to open it up, and my friend was like, 'No, don't open it up! She might have a virus!' I was like, 'Damn. Here, too?'

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I was reading about this new diet where you're not allowed to drink alcohol. Well, I read the first sentence at least.

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You ever notice, in every single cop movie, like halfway through the movie, there's always this scene where the main dude, the cop, will get shot, and then he'll fall, like, 10 stories out of a building, and then he'll be, like, 'Ugh, I'm gettin' too old for this'? And I'm like, was there a time where that was OK? I think that's bad at any point in your life. Has anybody ever been shot and been like, 'Oh my god! I'm exactly the right age for this.'

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There are certain things I think girls aren't supposed to say in the middle of having sex. Like, I have no problem if you're having sex, at some point the girl says, 'Hey, I really like your penis' or whatever. But she would always be like, 'Wow, I really like penises.' I was like, 'Penises? It's not that hard to put the word 'your' in there.'

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I have no money. I'm terrible with money. I always give money to people on the street. I passed by this homeless guy, and he was out there calling out to everyone, trying to get everyone to give him money. And he's doing this, he's going, 'Give money to the homeless. Give money to the homeless 'cause you don't know, one day it might be you.' And I was like, 'Oh my God.' And I was about to give him some change, and then I was like, 'Maybe I should hang on to this.'

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You can microwave a Pop Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop Tart? A minute and a half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap-fry your Pop Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule.

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Some kid took the time and the imagination to go down to the supermarket and figure out, if you take a whipped cream can container and you press the nozzle down just enough before the whipped cream comes out, some gas comes out -- you snort the gas, you get high for five seconds. We didn't have MTV. We had the f**king supermarket, that's what we had.

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I made the mistake of moving in with a hippie. Hippie roommate -- horrible mistake. Apparently, when they say 'peace and love,' what they really mean is 'filthy and annoying.'

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I went and watched the New York City Marathon. It goes right by my apartment in Brooklyn, and I went with a group of friends. And all my friends are cheering for the runners; they're like, 'Whoo! Good job! Way to go! Keep it up, you're lookin' good! Great job!' I was like, 'You don't have to do that! That's unnecessary! You know what? I've got a bike, you can take it. Better yet, come inside -- I've got air conditioning; my roommate made some guacamole, it's awesome; we rented "Meatballs."'

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I'm like, 'Hey, Phil, this is pretty good pizza'. He's like, 'Pft. It's not like a piece of New York pizza. You wanna call that piece of cracker with some cheese and some tomato juice on it a piece of pizza, go 'head. In New York, we got pieces of pizza a foot wide, five inches thick, whole tomatoes on top, cheese so thick it gives you a heart attack right in your heart -- and you enjoy having that heart attack because it's from New York.'

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People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, 'Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there 'cause as soon as you get there, they kill you.' That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away... That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day.

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A whale is killing people in SeaWorld. That's not funny but the headlines were funny: 'Killer Whale Kills.' What the hell do you think a killer whale's going to do? If you go to Brooklyn and see somebody named Killer Mike you don't think he'd give you no roses.

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She's like, 'Oh, I'm not a 10? What does that mean? Did you settle? Did you have to settle for me?' Which is awkward because that's what I thought we were both doing, first of all. It's a problem now? Isn't that why it's called 'settling down'? That's what I thought. It's not called, 'reaching for the stars,' is it?

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A white guy in cornrows is basically saying to you, 'Hey, I don't know the difference between right and wrong.'

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I love my parents, but they're bummed I'm doing stand-up comedy. My dad came to this country so I could be a doctor or lawyer, not this. My dad didn't wake up one day, 'Let's see, doctor, lawyer or clown. I don't know! Maybe clown.' And he's honest -- he gets drunk, 'You not funny. Oh no, you not funny! I have a joke for you: Knock, knock.' Who's there, Dad? 'You not funny!'

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I want a black Gummi Bear. You ever see a black Gummi Bear? No, because Gummi Bears are as racist as hell. They come in every color but black. They got orange, yellow, green, invisible -- come on. They must have got somebody on the candy committee like, 'We gave you n*****s a jelly bean nobody eats. We're not going to take a chance on a Gummi Bear.'

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I knew that I wanted to do comedy when I discovered irony. For those of you who don't know, I actually discovered irony when I was seven, which is when my mom started beating me with my own trophies.

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When I go to events and concerts, there's a lot of people that yell 'Woo!' or 'Yeah!' when they like something. I like to be more specific when I yell things out. I like to, like -- when I'm at a concert I like to yell out things like: 'The way you play your music makes me feel good inside!'

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A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, 'I could put you up for one night, but you'll have to stay in the barn.' So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, 'Were you comfortable?' He goes, 'I had a great time; I talked to all the animals.' He goes, 'You talked to the animals?' He goes, 'Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six.' He goes, 'That's exactly right.' He says, 'The horse tells me his name is Otis, you've owned him for 10 years.' He goes, 'That's incredible.' And he goes, 'I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep.' And the farmer goes, 'Those sheep are lying.'

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I was like, 'Damn, do I look homeless?' But then I thought about it, and you know what? It could have been my first day of homelessness. You see, because on your first day of homelessness, you don't look that homeless. You don't stink yet, your hair's not matted down, you don't have the imaginary friend -- it's day one.

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Comedy's a tough job, man. I've got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, he's a porno star. Guess how he got discovered? This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, 'Ooh, you should do porno!' Same girl sat on my lap and was like, 'Ooh, you should tell jokes!'

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Raccoons have too much self-confidence. Look at the way they dress -- that is way too much for the forest: big fur jumpsuit, the black driving gloves, the striped tail, little sunglasses. Come on, raccoon, what you trying to prove, man?

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My other big obituary fear is, when I die, they'll have my picture, and they always have underneath it, in quotes, 'He loved to laugh.' Oh, he loved to laugh. Well, that doesn't tell you anything. Everybody loves to laugh -- you're laughing! That's like saying, 'He hungered for food.'

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You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.

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This co-worker of mine, who I don't know well at all, comes up to me and goes, 'Hey Jessi, I don't know if anyone's ever told you this before, but you look a lot like Anne Frank.' I didn't really know where to put that as a remark. But the worst thing is that my first thought was, 'Was Anne Frank hot?'

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It's a convict's first day in prison; he's a young convict and here's there crying. An older convict sits down and goes, 'Look, calm down, prison's not such a bad place. Like, for instance, do you like movies?' And he goes, 'Yeah I like movies.' He goes, 'Every Monday we show a movie on the screen, first run movie.' He goes, 'That's great.' He goes, 'And you like baseball?' He goes, 'Yeah.' 'Every Tuesday we arrange a baseball game.' He goes, 'That's terrific.' And he goes, 'You like Italian food?' And he goes, 'Yeah I love Italian food.' He goes, 'In the cafeteria on Wednesday, it's all Italian food. Let me ask you one more thing. Are you a homosexual?' And he goes, 'No.' He goes, 'Eh, you're not going to like Thursday.'

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You ever go to your friend's house and try to turn on the TV? It's impossible. They have, like, 45 remote controls, right? Have you ever had your friend tell you to turn on the TV and then he leaves. And you're just like, 'Oh, sh*t' -- just pick up a remote, push a button, and their blender starts running; push another button, and their dog dies. You're like, 'You have a button for that? You have a dog death button? That's so awkward.'

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You look at our grandparents' generation, and they're a much tougher people than us. My grandfather went through the war, the Depression. He came back from the war. He built his house brick-by-brick with his own hands, went and worked at a mill for 40 years after that. I built a bong out of an apple once. I bragged for like six months.

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You get to run into these random celebrities; they're just walking around. And I remember, one time, I ran into Dan Aykroyd, and I was like, 'Oh my God, Dan Aykroyd! This is awesome!' You know -- early Saturday Night Live days, 'Ghostbusters.' And I got really excited, and I went up to him, but he got angry at me when I asked for his autograph. And I think it's because I also asked him to sign it, 'The Old Dan Aykroyd.'

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I had a kid who threatened to kill me one year because I gave him an F. Another teacher caught one of my students writing 'Kill Mr. Vallee' in his weekly planner in the section labeled 'Weekly Goals and Objectives.' And the school was freakin' out. They didn't know what to do about it. They kept asking me if I felt threatened, and I'm like, 'Why? This kid hasn't met any goals in his objectives all year.'

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I think that Vanna White got the best job ever. Is that not the best job? If I were a woman, I would want that job so bad. Like, that's her job! What a country -- she just turns letters. 'I turn letters, but only when they glow. I'm not stupid.'

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I had this happen for the first time ever. I had a white girl come to my door and complain about my music being too loud. And I got pissed off. I was like, 'This is a black neighborhood. That's what the f**k we do. We play our black music loud. You don't like it, get out.' It was messed up -- 'cause I was playing Simon and Garfunkel.

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I used to smoke pot all the time, and then I quit. I don't know if anybody's ever done that, but that's, like, amazing. I totally smoked for a while, and I totally stopped, and my friends were all, like, they couldn't believe it. They were like, 'What? You quit? You're done? Really? That sucks. What are you doing? That sucks.' I'm like, 'Yeah, it really sucks remembering where I put stuff now.

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I was performing at a comedy club and a guy comes up to me after the show with his card. He says, 'Hey I saw your show, it was fantastic. Do you have a resume?' I said, 'Does it look like I have a f**king resume? I curse at people who don't have a funny friend to hang out with. Do you want me to put that on a letterhead?'

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I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'

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Everything in my parents house is broken. We play chess, and there are six pieces missing from our chess set. So, we replace them with pieces from my mom's nativity scene. We're playing chess with the Virgin Mary and goats and wise men, and my Uncle Earl cheats. It's like: 'Uncle Earl, that's a pawn. You're not supposed to move him backwards.' 'That's the son of God, boy! You move him wherever the hell he wants to go.'

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Why would they know the end of the world? They didn't have any pants. Did you know that? They didn't have the invention of pants. You think you can crack the secrets of the universe but not the secret of pockets? They just made a lot of calendars and they never said it's the end of the world -- goofy white people made that up.

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Actually, a couple of weeks ago, I failed to perform sexually. I'm not going to go into detail, but suffice it to say, I 'arrived early.' And my girlfriend said, 'Don't worry, that' happens to a lot of guys.' I said, 'There's two things the matter with that. Firstly, who are these "a lot of guys," and secondly, if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be your fault?'

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I think people need to think more before they speak. The other day I was walking along the street, and this gorgeous girl rides by on a bicycle. And the guy in the group ahead of me says, 'Man, look at her. Wish I could be that bicycle seat.' I'm like, what? Don't you think that's a little bit of an unrealistic goal? Besides, if you're going for it, why don't you just aim to be the guy that's sleeping with her? Maybe something that doesn't require sorcery.

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We had a lot of assemblies when I was growing up at my school, and they were all the same. Every assembly we had they would always bring in some former drug addict, and he'd be like, 'Yeah, you know, I was addicted to drugs for 20 years, and I almost died, and that's why you shouldn't do drugs.' And I'd be like, 'Well, uh, you didn't die, and you got to do all those drugs!'

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That porno spam is bad stuff, boy, because I want to delete it, but it's almost like they have a chip in my head or something. Because I get these emails -- they're like: 'Do you like hot, young girls in thigh-high stockings?' Yeah. 'Do you have a credit card?' I sure do. 'Do you want to add three inches onto your penis?' Who's been reading my diary?

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I'm not the kind of guy who has a huge weight problem, but I am the kind of guy who could really put the brakes on an orgy. Everyone would be like, 'Was he invited? Why is he eating a cake?' I've never been in an orgy. I feel like it'd be like what happens when I try and play pick-up basketball. Like, no one passes me the ball; everyone asks me to keep my shirt on.

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You tell your guy friends you got engaged, it's like hearing someone died. 'What happened man? Wow. He was so young, man. What happened? He had his whole life ahead of him. Wow, I just saw him yesterday.'

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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

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The minute they put the nachos on the table, everybody becomes an enemy because there's all different kinds of nachos. Do you ever see those naked ones around the perimeter? Then, there's that one big Powerball nacho that somehow is connected to all the other nachos on the plate -- it's like the Kevin Bacon of nachos.

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I sleep fully naked with socks. I think it's sexy as hell. I don't know why she's complaining. I'm talking tube socks from 1978 -- they come up to my knees; I look like Olivia Newton John in the 'Let's Get Physical' video -- that's how hot I'm talking. But she gets mad: 'But I want to be naked. Why can't we both be naked, so we can feel each other?' 'The thing you need to feel doesn't have a sock, honey.'

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She'll be like, 'How was your day today?' And I'll be like, 'Oh, my day, Grandma? My day was horrible. I had the worst day. I wake up. I go to the video store -- this guy almost hits me, this cab almost hits me. I get there -- the movie I want is gone. They don't even have it. And the Yankees lost, it's going to rain -- it was like the worst day. How was your day?' 'Well, I woke up, again. And my heart hurts when I breath. And another one of my friends died.' It's like, what do I say to that?

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My mother... would save her money and take us skiing on the weekend, which was brave. She took a black family skiing. This was the 80s -- brothers weren't skiing, man. People didn't know what we were coming down the mountain. They'd be looking up, confused, 'Oh my God, are those bears? I think I see bears skiing down the mountain! Huh, they're African Americans trying something new. What's next -- golf?'

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I was in a relationship for like eight-and-a-half years, and then I was re-released into the wild not too long ago. So, my internal 'How To Read a Woman Manual' has like a drawing of Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower on the cover, holding hands in a rumble seat and sipping sodas and strangling communists. And I'm just waiting until I can unzip my pants and find a family of raccoons living down there.

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I have a friend who swears by food combinations -- have you heard of this nonsense? She's nuts. She's like, 'You know what? You should eat food combinations, and that way you can eat whatever you want. It's just the combinations of how you put the food together.' And then her examples are like, 'You wouldn't want to eat steak and potatoes together, but you could have, like, a lemon rind and raisin skins -- not the whole raisin, take the skins and steam them.'

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I'm not saying older women are sluttier; I'm just saying, an older woman isn't gonna make you wait 'til three in the morning 'cause she's got sh*t to do the next day. She'll probably have you done by 10. She's got a meeting to get up for. Heck, if she has kids, you might get to leave with one of those cool Lunchables boxes -- get yourself a little snack pack for all the work you put in.

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Car dealerships are the craziest. These people throw a party. Did you ever notice that? They get the streamers out. They got balloons up like they're conducting weather experiments or something. They got the search lights out there like Batman's gonna show up and apply for credit. They're giving away free hot dogs like it's no big deal. 'Yeah, I'll take a $25,000 automobile if you throw in a hot dog. You bet I will.'

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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

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What's up with all these guys killing their wives now? Like, every couple of weeks in the news, you see that sh*t -- guys killing their wives. I don't understand it. First of all, why would you kill another person, and second of all, don't they think the whole thing through? Like, how the whole thing's gonna play out? Like, 'I'm gonna kill my wife, then I'm gonna get caught, then I'm gonna go to jail, then I'm gonna get f**ked in the ass.'

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Have you ever been drunk in the middle of the day? And I don't mean a couple of cocktails with lunch -- I mean like severely messed up. It's weird because you can't even properly relate to people anymore. I was like, 'What do you mean I can't get an Egg McMuffin? What -- because it's after 11? That's ridiculous.' He's like, 'No, sir, because this is a bank.'

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I do a lot of jokes about black people because my third best friend is black, OK? And I've had people say, 'Why does he have to be third?' And I'm like, 'Well, Mr. Sharpton, he's not that good of a friend. If he was a better friend, I'd move his black ass up. I'm not holding him down; I'm not holding a brother down -- I just don't have affirmative action friendships.'

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I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker. You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure. The guy's like, 'Wait a second, can I help you?' I was like, 'Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee. Maybe we could work it out together.' And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and I'll be like, 'Do I look like I work here, chief?'

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My goal this year is to buy a Prius so I can be the anti-Prius driver. Be like, 'Yeah, that's my Prius, the one with the gun rack and the McCain sticker on the back and the dead deer carcass roped to the hood.' Wouldn't that be sweet? Driving around in a Prius, throwing garbage out your window? 'It's a Prius; I already helped the Earth, hippie!'

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White people can't tell the difference between hard, honest working black people and criminal black people, because we all basically dress the same. We all basically wear jeans, boots, sometimes an occasional baseball hat -- y'all can't tell. But see, black people, we can just look at what a white person's wearing and tell this guy's messed up -- get away from this guy -- because all the bad white people wear the same exact thing: police uniforms.

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Getting drunk in costume is one of the greatest gifts God has ever given us. It's just true. Do you know how fun it is being drunk Batman? Trying to solve the case of why am I not pissing on my best friend's car right now? Ah -- case closed. 'Hey Braunger stop pissing on my car!' 'Who's Braunger? I'm Batman taking a Bat-piss.'

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I have a girlfriend. The only thing I don't like about her is that she's super materialistic... So we go out on this date the other night. The first thing she says to me -- no kiss 'hello,' no nothing -- she just goes, 'Well, I wanna see how much money you can spend in a night, mister.' So, I took her to a strip club.

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Last time I was on JetBlue, there was a dude next to me who looked a little suspicious. I was nervous. He was watching a movie, though; so I'm thinking, 'Would a hijacker watch a movie?' Probably not, right?... But you know it's a good movie if you land, and he's like, 'Oh my God, I forgot to hijack the plane.'

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I have a website. It's got my e-mail address on it. So now, I get e-mails from all over the country, and people have unbelievable questions. They'll be like, 'Dear Todd, I'm going to see your show in Columbus, Ohio. Do you know how old you have to be to get into that club?' You wanna maybe call the club with that one?'

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I'm just not good with computers. I remain not good. I had to call up the tech support guy this week, get some help with the home computer. He starts asking me questions, 'What kind of operating system have you got there, sir?' 'Uh, electricity, I think. Yeah, I've been plugging into my wall. I've been having some luck with that.'

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My favorite band in high school was The Clash. Remember The Clash? They had this one song early on that my boys and I used to use as our little greeting to each other. We thought we were cool. It was called, 'Stay Free.' We'd be like, 'Hey man, stay free.' Then one day, out of nowhere, it became a feminine hygiene product. We couldn't use it anymore. Then we were like, 'Hey man -- you know.'

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Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago -- that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.'

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I used to work in an office, and when I worked in an office, I celebrated all the holidays -- Cesar Chavez Day, Labor Day -- just to get a day off of work. It could be KKK Day -- 'Do I get a day off of work?'

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