I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

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My grandmother is older than the word 'supper.'

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I was born in the Bahamas -- Nassau, Bahamas. Yeah, came to the United States when I was one because I needed work.

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Here's how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the '30s -- as long as you weren't still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.

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Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

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I did a club one night -- the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

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I'd much rather have AIDS than a baby... They're not that different at all. They're both expensive, you have them for the rest of your life, they're constant reminders of the mistakes you've made and once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them.

[Read the rest of this article...]

You ever look for the remote control, you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, it looks like I'm not watching TV.'

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I joined a white church because white people get out on time.

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I've got a three-year-old son. It's like living with a crazy midget.

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I guarantee, you're gonna have to get out of your house. I know it's your house and you bought it, but what you don't realize is that's her house, and she's basically letting you live there while things are going OK.

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Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics -- I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.

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Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics -- I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.

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Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics -- I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.

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The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

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You've got seconds to live, and whoever invented this thing gave it five syllables. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of a rush job? ... Shouldn't they at least call it defibrillnow?

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I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

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I have girlfriends who will text message naked photos of themselves to their man. Which, I guess the whole point of that is, to be like, 'Here's what's waiting for you at home, big boy.' If I was to do a 'here's what's waiting for you at home' photo shoot, I would take some pictures of the frigging dishes, the bills right now. My vagina's not waiting for you at home at all.

[Read the rest of this article...]

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer. And you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable! How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!

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People that put up Christmas decorations, all they're saying is 'Hey, we're not Jews.'

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I went to my father. I said, 'Daddy will you buy me some roller skates for Christmas?' 'Buy? I'll make you some damn roller skates.' Christmas morning, I wake up to some homemade roller skates made out of platform shoes. Cheap ass didn't even get real skate wheels, just took some gold wheels off an old couch.

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My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. 'Cause I'm plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didn't I get to open this year?

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You know what my uncle gets me every year for Christmas? Scratch tickets. Thanks for making the decision to gamble away my Christmas gift for me.

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This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, 'Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox.' You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine -- because I got her an Xbox.

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I don't drink, and I don't do drugs, but I'll take a pill. I'll take any pill, you know what I mean? 'Cause pills can't hurt me! 'Cause they're made by companies.

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When a woman has an orgasm, it's like a dove made of rainbows came into the room. It's awesome. Even other women are like, 'Aw, she's having a nice time; that's cool.' When a guy has an orgasm, it's like the devil himself tore off his own face and snakes are pouring out of his red skull. Like, no matter how smooth your love making technique as a man is, eventually, you're going to be Jerry Lewis getting electrocuted.

[Read the rest of this article...]

I'm at a very frustrating point in my career because I'm not a millionaire. Like, people assume because you're in movies or TV, you're rich. I'm not rich, but I'm far from broke. I'm what you call a 'thousandaire.'

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You know you're getting fat when you go to unbutton the top of your pants -- and you already did it.

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You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span -- people we vote for -- this is what they said, 'I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they can't get back in.' And I went, 'Um, who's gonna build it?'

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I shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people, though. I should write it.

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Ask anybody over 30 -- if they tell you they have more than 10 friends, you know they're counting co-workers.

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It's really great to be in New York right now. This is a terrific city. But it does not hold a candle to Amsterdam. I went to Amsterdam last year... I was like Templeton the Rat in 'Charlotte's Web,' just running around, 'Oh, hookers and pot!'

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Most of the people who are racist to me are white, and it's very tricky to try and be racist to white people. What am I going to be, like, 'Oh, I'm Kumar? Well, you're the lead in most movies that come out.'

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The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.

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I'm on Vicodin right now 'cause I got my wisdom teeth pulled -- like, eight months ago.

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A lot of people are wearing t-shirts with pictures of people that inspire them to do stuff. I wear a picture of my son 'cause no one inspires me to work harder than my son. It's also a constant reminder to wear a condom.

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This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults' table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.

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I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.

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Why don't women have crazy men stories? I don't really hear them. And then I realized, it's because if you got a crazy boyfriend, you're going to die. Just something about men, the second they realize they're crazy, it's like, 'Time to kill everything I love.'

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Got married again and I went on the Internet to see how happy everyone was for me. F**king hell, it was awful. One woman... she said, 'Married again, eh? She's a user and he's a pervert.' And I'm like, 'How do they know us?'

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I've never understood the concept of the gift certificate because for the same $50 bucks, [my friend] could've gotten me $50 bucks.

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This area of Colorado, right around here in Boulder, has the highest cases of pedophilia per capita of anywhere else in Colorado. Did you know that? It's true; I read it in Wikipedia. I mean I put it in there, but I read it right after.

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If you're drinking champagne at 8 a.m. you're an alcoholic, but if you add orange juice it's just an early brunch.

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Called somebody an 'Indian giver' recently. They were really offended so I had to take it back.

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This woman wouldn't let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, don't bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if I'm drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar.

[Read the rest of this article...]

I went to a drug dealer's funeral. He was so big-time, his beeper was still going off.

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I don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles -- they don't have one that says 'oops.'

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My dad discovered the Internet. Uh, just because someone raised you, does not mean that you have to add them on Facebook.

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I've been spending a lot of time in casinos because, apparently, I have a gambling problem. But I have learned something important to pass on to you about how to deal with casinos when you're there. Go get $100 in quarters when you arrive. Then, go to your room, lock the door; go to the bathroom and lock the door. Then, take the quarters and flush them one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is so often the toilet will back up and you will feel like a winner.

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When I meet a girl, I ask her to pose nude for a painting I'm doing because that's a very good way to get her to sleep with me.

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So they ask me, 'Would you like to answer your secret security password question?' I think, 'Oh yeah, surely I can answer a question posed by slightly younger me.'

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I got a trophy wife. I know that's not right to say, 'cause if you're married that's your trophy. I'm just saying not everybody got a first place trophy. Some people end up with a plaque. You marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon.

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You get into a lot of fights growing up with a lazy eye, 'cause no matter how I look at you it's the wrong way.

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Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists don't even talk about sex. It's just like: 'Get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson. Lift up your skirt. We'll take a look at your magic baby door.'

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I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume -- 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.

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The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason -- all of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

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Halloween is pay day, folks. A lot of parents are strange; they say, 'Ration the candy.' I say, 'Let them eat as much as they want -- they throw up, the rest is mine.' That's how I handle Halloween.

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I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'

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We couldn't afford no Halloween costumes -- eight kids, please! Mama sent us down to the liquor store, put boxes on us. We didn't know what we were -- 'I don't know what we are. I don't know. She didn't tell us. I think we UPS? I don't know.'

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There's no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn't make financial sense. It's not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost -- like, a penny and a half? An apple's like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They're so expensive, they don't even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.

[Read the rest of this article...]

Halloween seems to be getting bigger every year. I noticed a pattern this year with girls' costumes. Girls will take a typically altruistic career -- such as librarian, nurse, maybe nun -- and turn her into a whore.

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I do not understand why people write letters to magazines. It accomplishes nothing; it's pointless. [If] you want to see your name in print that bad, write on a piece of paper and look at it: 'Ah, there it is. Just as I always dreamed.'

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A lot of double standards in Los Angeles. Like if a girl goes out, sleeps with a bunch of dudes, she's considered a slut. But if a guy does it, he's considered a homosexual. That's messed up.

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I got pulled over by a bicycle cop in L.A. -- not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop. And I'm in my car, and he gets out -- he's sweating, he's got these little shorts on. 'You know how fast you were going?' 'Yeah, a lot faster than that bike.'

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I love my children as much as anybody in here. I let them watch TV and stuff -- when I let them out of the shed.

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You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

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I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex. Because, number one, what if I know the guy?

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I'm single. I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.

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The best relationship I ever had -- I used to go out with a homeless girl. Yeah, it was great 'cause after sex, I could just drop her off anywhere.

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I got off the plane -- I was walking and cooking at the same time.

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I was actually thinking about buying a convertible... But then I thought, what if I was at a stoplight -- how would I avoid the homeless guy?

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I was in New York last Christmas, it's snowing, there's a guy in a t-shirt. I'm like, 'Dude, aren't you cold?' 'No, I'm from New York, I don't get cold.' Just 'cause you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. You're not a penguin. I was like, 'In fact sir, you're Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.'

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I wish I was ethnic; I'm nothing. 'Cause if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper.' But if you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'

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I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'

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I want a girl that reminds me of my report card: her face has to be an A, she has to have double DDs, 'cause tonight I want to F.

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My girl wants to change the engagement rules. She tells me, 'Babe, why do I got to wear a ring and let guys know I'm taken, and you don't got to wear nothing?' I told her, 'Babe, I wear my sad face every day.'

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I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.

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We all can agree, no matter what color you are, every group of friends has that one stupid friend. Look around you, you'll find one. If you can't find one, it's you.

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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.

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They go, 'Well, you learn a lot about life growing up in a big family, don't you?' Yeah, I learned that I'm replaceable.

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You ever get a new cell phone and you're too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people?

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Jeff: How do you not know who his mother is?

Achmed: I had 46 wives, you idiot. They all dressed the same and their faces were covered.

Jeff: How'd you tell them apart?

Achmed: The numbers on their backs.

Jeff: That's terrible.

Achmed: I know. Mother's Day is a bitch and so were most of the mothers.

[Read the rest of this article...]

Walter: I married a petite, young beautiful thing. She was eventually eaten by the woman I live with now.

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Jeff Dunham: Did you get the tattoo?
Walter: Hell no.
Jeff Dunham: Well if you had, what would you have gotten?
Walter: I would have gotten a beautiful woman's face.
Jeff Dunham: Ah, and where would you have put it?
Walter: On my wife's face.

[Read the rest of this article...]

Jeff Dunham: Well if reincarnation happens, who would you come back as and what would you do?
Walter: I'd come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone.

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Walter: I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen some of these guys? What, cops on bicycles? How intimidating is this: 'Alright buddy, pull it over. Ching-ching-ching'? What do they do when they arrest somebody? 'Alright, get in the basket'.

[Read the rest of this article...]

I can't stand homeless people. I don't feel bad about saying it. I don't mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain.

[Read the rest of this article...]

Does anybody here know what to do if a bear attacks? A lot of people do think you're supposed to play dead, which is not what you're supposed to do. And the best thing about playing dead is -- that's like a rumor that bears spread.

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I have a new idea for a game show for people who are high, and it's called 'Can You Remember What You Just Saw?' That's actually the bonus round. Round one is Can You Describe What's in Front of You Right Now? 'OK, you got it? We're going to take it away. What was it? We will not accept "awesome."'

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I played basketball for five years, and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of, every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away -- then they're just pants.

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I don't know if you know this about me, but once a year, instead of giving one homeless guy a dollar, I step it up. I buy $50 bucks worth of malt liquor, hide it in the park.

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She proposed to me. How weird is that? It wasn't thoughtful. It wasn't romantic. She just came in and said it: 'Listen, uh -- I'm pregnant.'

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When I moved out to LA they told me I had to work out. I was like, 'I don't wanna do that.' They gave me this trainer, and the dude was like... 'The most important thing is, you can't eat late at night or you'll get fat.' And I'm like, 'Forget that, you supposed to eat late at night.' He was like, 'No you not.' I'm like, 'Well, why they put a light in the refrigerator?'

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I only have, like, three really good friends, and they get worse every year. And it's gotten to the point where I think they'd rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. I'm like, 'Alright, but really, where's the loyalty, man? I've known you for 25 years. How long have you known your baby -- like a month? Alright, Judas, whatever.'

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Follow this sentence: children who can't pay attention are considered to have a disorder. Children who can't pay attention? 'I don't know, he just won't focus.' He could be seven. That could be the issue.

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You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because' cards. They can't even ask you why you did it.

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My last girlfriend used to call my penis what I thought was a big, powerful, scary nickname. She was calling it a 'weapon of mass destruction.' Sounded cool, but then I found out she was calling it that because she thought my penis was really hard to find.

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I had a problem because I was blacking out all the time. And I went and I talked to my doctor, and he said, 'It's not that you drink too much, it's just that after a couple of major blackouts, you blackout easier and easier after that.' So, I would just have a couple of drinks, and my brain would be like, 'OK, I see where this is headed. We're just going to power down now and get restarted sometime tomorrow morning.'

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I said, 'That's the wrong drink.' And he said, 'Sorry, dude, I'm tired.' And I was like, 'Have a frickin' coffee, man. That's why I'm here.'

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I think they named oranges before they named carrots. 'What are these?' 'Those are orange: oranges.' 'What about these?' 'Oh, sh*t. Long pointies? We'll go by shape now?'

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My uncle comes up, taps me on the back. He's like, 'Kevin, I just want to let you know whoever did this is going to die tonight.'...I said, 'Cancer did it. It was cancer.' He said, 'Well, you tell Cancer I'm looking for him, and when I find him, I'm going to shoot him in the face -- twice.'

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If I get to Heaven and God is white, I'd be like, 'I knew it all along. Show me to the hood.' But if I get to Heaven and God is black, that's going to piss me off a little bit. I'd be like, 'Ain't this a bitch? You've been black all along? Ain't you been seeing what the hell's going on down there?'

[Read the rest of this article...]

You know who Uncle Sam is, he's that goat-faced dude who dresses like Apollo Creed. He's always pointing at you. He wants you. Is that really the imagery we should be listening to? An uncle who looks like he's about to touch you? 'Uncle Sam wants you to keep a secret.'

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Thirty ways to shape up for summer -- number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three... What was I talking about? I'm so hungry right now.

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When I was a kid, a terrorist act -- that was like when someone would take a dump in the swimming pool at the YMCA during summer camp. That was a terrorist act. That was the most evil thing you could do.

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I don't care about the museum, I only care that people think I'm the kind of guy who goes to museums.

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My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in -- and we put him in a home.

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She's from Chicago, I'm from Chicago; I could have been a first lady. But they would have done that background check -- I ain't no lady. Michelle looks like she always knew she wanted to be a first lady; don't look like she went through a slut phase. I did. Slut phase one, two and three. There's a fourth comin'.

[Read the rest of this article...]

I really hate the way I found out about my parents' divorce. What happened was, my mom took me out for ice cream, and she sat me down, she said, 'Michael, I'm leaving your father, I'm going off to marry another man, and I'm pregnant.' And that was really messed up, 'cause that should have been three different trips to get ice cream.

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Ever been at your job and you get so bored and sick of doing it that you just go to the bathroom to hang out? You don't even need to go. You just want a change of scenery for a little bit.

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We can't all be heroes... like, if there was a fire, and I had three kids in there, I don't know which one I would save. You can't save them all; somebody's feelings are definitely going to be hurt. And what if you save the kid that started the fire? Now you're living with an arsonist. That's nothing I want to be involved in.

[Read the rest of this article...]

You can't deny the faith of these people that we fight: it's absolute. They believe that if they kill themselves, they'll be met in heaven with 70-some-odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith -- to think that that would happen, when I haven't met one on earth.

[Read the rest of this article...]

Here's my only thing with 'Harry Potter...' They go to this school, and they take classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions and Divination, but they should be taking math also, right? Why are there no math teachers at Hogwarts? Or history, or geography? They're getting tested on Care of Magical Creatures -- never heard of the Holocaust.

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I was reading this article the other day, and it said, 'The perfect way to spice up your love life is to make love in a car wash.' Let me tell you guys from experience -- no, it is not. It's also the perfect way to ruin a church fundraiser.

[Read the rest of this article...]

Here's how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it. Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys.

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What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? That's just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didn't want to be.

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A couple days ago, I was crossing this bridge, and there was this character standing there with a cup in his hand. He goes, 'Hey, can you help out my wife and family?' I said, 'Sure.' And I pushed him off the bridge.

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From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: You quit that cushy gig as a judge on 'America's Got Talent.' What's wrong with you, man? That was the worst career move since Mel Gibson bought his girlfriend that tape recorder.

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There were 79 unprovoked shark attacks last year. 'Unprovoked' -- do we need that word in there? Are there people provoking shark attacks? Is there some dick from Jersey in the water: 'Hey shark, you freakin' lookin' at me? You got a problem or somethin'? I got somethin' for you to bite right here!'

[Read the rest of this article...]

I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden -- boom -- you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

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One time I went to Bed Bath & Beyond and I didn't have a coupon. People talked about me in line. 'He doesn't have a coupon. Is he all right? You don't think he's dangerous, do you?' One lady felt sorry for me. 'You don't have a coupon? Do you know how to get home? Is your name in your jacket?'

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The person I want checking IDs at the airport are bouncers 'cause they're the only ones who can spot a fake. So, if a terrorist rolled up, he'd be like, 'Uh, here you go.' Bouncer be like, 'Says you're born in June. What's your sign, bro?' 'Uh, uh, I don't know, like, a Libra?' 'It's a Gemini! Get the hell out of here, dude! And too many dudes -- you brought too many dudes with you.'

[Read the rest of this article...]

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

[Read the rest of this article...]

I had my dog in one of those kennel carrier things, you know those boxes... They made me take the dog out of the carrier, so they could inspect it for explosives. Who bombs a f**king puppy? Really, who does that? Bin Laden would be like, 'You're a dick, dude. I can't believe you -- that's too far.'

[Read the rest of this article...]

Jeff: I had grandparents that were well into their 80s and still were having fun.
Walter: Their 80s? The hell kind of sex is that? 'Was it good for you?' 'I don't remember'. 'It was three minutes ago!', 'Who are you?!?'.

[Read the rest of this article...]

The reason old men use Viagra is not because they're impotent. It's because old women are so very ugly.

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I was bad at doing drugs. I didn't do drugs properly. For instance, I'm the only guy who ever got really fat on cocaine.

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In the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds.

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You can't deny the faith of these people that we fight: it's absolute. They believe that if they kill themselves, they'll be met in heaven with 70-some-odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith -- to think that that would happen, when I haven't met one on earth.

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Here's how I feel about gay marriage. I don't understand why people care whether you marry a man or a woman. 'Cause if you've ever seen a couple over 65, it is very hard to tell who is who.

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Jeff Dunham: You're afraid of offending people?
Achmed: Yeah.
Jeff Dunham: You're a terrorist. You kill people.
Achmed: That's different. Killing people is easy; being politically correct is a pain in the ass.

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The thing I hate the most about the subway is every time I get off the train and I'm trying to get out of the station and back up to the street, I end up getting stuck behind these really slow people on the stairs. It happens to me every time I take the subway. It's been happening to me for years. And my question is this: how the hell do they keep beating me to the stairway?

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I never got a hole in one -- but I did hit a guy, and that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell 'Fore,' but I was too busy mumbling 'There ain't no way that's gonna hit him.'

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