A woman and her baby get on to a city bus. After looking at both of them the bus driver says: "WOW! That must be the ugliest baby I have seen in my life!" The woman storms back to the rear of the bus so angry she can't even see straight. The woman turns next to the man she just sat down next to and says, "The bus driver was so rude to me!" The man looks at the woman with concern and says, "Well you shouldn't let him get away with that. You go right up and give that bus driver a piece of your mind. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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Lying in bed the 72 year old man was seriously ill. Knowing that death would come soon the man called his lawyer. "I was thinking how you told me I could get a law degree if I had enough money to buy one. How much does it cost again?" "It's $65,000," replied the lawyer. "But you are dying! Why would you want to have a law degree now?" "That is none of your concern", replied the dying man. "I want you to get me that law certification!" Within the week, the sick man had received his law degree. Of course his lawyer quickly came to his side, to make sure the bill would be paid in full. Within moments the old man began having trouble breathing and was gasping for air. It was clear he would not live much longer. The lawyer was going nuts not knowing why this man would want a law degree and pay so much for it when he knew the end was near. "please, please can't you tell me why you wanted this law degree so desperately before you died?" Barely able to speak and on his last dying breath, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."  

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Two men are sitting in a bar. Both are getting very drunk. Without warning one of the men throws up all over himself. The man says "Unbelievable! My wife is going to kill me!". The other guy at the bar says "Hey man, no worries. All you need to do is put a $10 bill in your shirt pocket. Then when your wife asks what happened just tell her that a guy threw up on you and he gave you $10 to pay for the cleaning". The men, happy with their plan, decide to stay and have even more drinks. Eventually the man slides off the bar stoll and heads home. Of course his wife picks up on his drunken state and horrible appearance. "You smell of booze and you've puked up all over yourself, you are soooo disgusting!", the woman shouts. Trying carefully not to slur his speach the man says, "Honey. It's not what it looks like. I only had one drink, but this threw up all over me. The bum had obviously drank a few too many. He did say he was sorry and he gave me ten dollars so I could take care of the cleaning bill. Just check out my shirt pocket." The woman reaches in to his shirt pocket and says, "But this is twenty dollars, not ten". "Oh I forgot." says the man. "The man was so drunk he also pissed my trousers too".  

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A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?". The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don`t know what it is!". While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out. The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".

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