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A woman and her baby get on to a city bus. After looking at both of them the bus driver says: "WOW! That must be the ugliest baby I have seen in my life!" The woman storms back to the rear of the bus so angry she can't even see straight. The woman turns next to the man she just sat down next to and says, "The bus driver was so rude to me!" The man looks at the woman with concern and says, "Well you shouldn't let him get away with that. You go right up and give that bus driver a piece of your mind. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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Lying in bed the 72 year old man was seriously ill. Knowing that death would come soon the man called his lawyer. "I was thinking how you told me I could get a law degree if I had enough money to buy one. How much does it cost again?" "It's $65,000," replied the lawyer. "But you are dying! Why would you want to have a law degree now?" "That is none of your concern", replied the dying man. "I want you to get me that law certification!" Within the week, the sick man had received his law degree. Of course his lawyer quickly came to his side, to make sure the bill would be paid in full. Within moments the old man began having trouble breathing and was gasping for air. It was clear he would not live much longer. The lawyer was going nuts not knowing why this man would want a law degree and pay so much for it when he knew the end was near. "please, please can't you tell me why you wanted this law degree so desperately before you died?" Barely able to speak and on his last dying breath, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."  

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Two men are sitting in a bar. Both are getting very drunk. Without warning one of the men throws up all over himself. The man says "Unbelievable! My wife is going to kill me!". The other guy at the bar says "Hey man, no worries. All you need to do is put a $10 bill in your shirt pocket. Then when your wife asks what happened just tell her that a guy threw up on you and he gave you $10 to pay for the cleaning". The men, happy with their plan, decide to stay and have even more drinks. Eventually the man slides off the bar stoll and heads home. Of course his wife picks up on his drunken state and horrible appearance. "You smell of booze and you've puked up all over yourself, you are soooo disgusting!", the woman shouts. Trying carefully not to slur his speach the man says, "Honey. It's not what it looks like. I only had one drink, but this threw up all over me. The bum had obviously drank a few too many. He did say he was sorry and he gave me ten dollars so I could take care of the cleaning bill. Just check out my shirt pocket." The woman reaches in to his shirt pocket and says, "But this is twenty dollars, not ten". "Oh I forgot." says the man. "The man was so drunk he also pissed my trousers too".  

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A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?". The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don`t know what it is!". While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out. The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".

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Little Jimmy was was not doing very well at all in his math class. Despite many attempts his parents could find nothing that would motivate him to study. Exhausting all other hope they decided to take Jimmy and enroll him in Catholic school. Beginning even the first day, little Jimmy immediately went to his room and started studying.  His mother is shocked and of course excited that he is going straight to do his homework rather than playing outside. As soon as he is done eating dinner, it is right back to studying. His mother can hardly believe it. What a dramatic turn around. Of course she expects that after a few days he would go back to his old ways. But he doesn't. Each day he seems to study harder than the day before. It is almost as if he doesn't even play anymore and instead just focuses all his effort on studying math. After several months it is time for Jimmy to show his report card. He walks in and lays the report card on the table and then immediately runs up to his room to study more. Jimmy's mom opens the report card and sees he got an A in math. Wow! Even though he had been studying so much, it still came as a suprise considering all the trouble he had before. Jimmy's mom is now determined to find out exactly why he has changed so much.  She walks to his room and says, Son, what caused you to start studying so hard in math? Was it the Catholic nuns? Little Jimmy looks down for a second then back up at her and shakes his head no. "Was it the extra discipline or do you just like your new school better? Why are you studying so hard now when you didn't before?", she asked. Little Jimmy looks up and says, Well, when I showed up on that first day, seeing  that poor guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

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One morning a teacher was explaining a difficult lesson. Right in the middle one a particularly rude pre-med student interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this mindless subject?" "To save lives." the teacher responded quickly and continued the lesson. After a few minutes, the same pupil rose his had to talk again. "So how does this pointless information save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the teacher.

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A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.  

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A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for the Engineer brain?" "$5 dollars an ounce." "How much for the doctor brain?" "$7 dollars an ounce." "How much for the lawyer brain?" "$100 dollars an ounce." "WOW! why is the lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

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A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for the Engineer brain?" "$5 dollars an ounce." "How much for the doctor brain?" "$7 dollars an ounce." "How much for the lawyer brain?" "$100 dollars an ounce." "WOW! why is the lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

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One summer afternoon, Former President Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. After a long road trip, they stopped at a service station to fill up their car with gas. As it turns out, the owner of the gas station was Hillary’s old high school boyfriend. They exchanged a brief chit-chat before the former White House couple went on their way. As they were making their way back home, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey… if you had stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service station owner.” She smirked and replied, “No Bill, if I had stayed with him… he would have been the President of the United States!”

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Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long. "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver. "What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked. The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."  

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A divorce court judge said to the husband,"Mr Reynolds ,I have reviewed the case and have decided to give your wife $750 a week." "That's very fair,your honour," the man replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."  

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Knock, knock Who's there? You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil? You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who? Nevermind, it's pointless.

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Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?" "Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer. "And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer? "Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking? "Cause what I wana know is, I was thinkin', "can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"

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An extremely religious couple was vacationing in the Holy Land during the Christmas season and decided it would be very special to them to spend Christmas Eve in Bethlehem, the birth place of Jesus. Unfortunately after arriving there, they searched high and low for a room, but none was available. Not at any price. Desperate, they pulled up in front of the Sheraton-Bethlehem and the husband got out of the car. He said to his his wife: "Stay here, sweetie. Let me see if I can do something for us." He approached the desk and the clerk told him there were no rooms available. "Sorry, sir. It's Christmas Eve, our busiest time of the year." No matter how much the man offered to pay, the clerk said he had nothing. Finally, the man told the clerk, "I bet if I told you my name was Joseph, that the woman waiting in the car was called Mary, and that she had a newborn infant, you'd find us a room." "Well," stammered the clerk, "...I suppose so." "Okay," the man said. "I guarantee you, they're not coming tonight, so we'll take their room."

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Ahhh now we know why?

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A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house. Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace. Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking. Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed, "Yes, but they lie!"  

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One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"  

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A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............," he sighed, ..... "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."  

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With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."  

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Managers and personnel directors of large corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experiences interviewing prospective employees... Here is what they said: A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office. Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. Candidate brought large dog to interview. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. Candidate dozed off during interview.

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